1. Blurbing yourself
2. Burying the lede
3. Challenging Alexander Pushkin to a one-handed duel
4. Coaxing Salinger to come out and play
5. Coming up with a gripping plot twist
6. Conjugating the verb
7. Cooking up a big oily batch of Victory Gin
8. Dangling your participles
9. Deconstructing The Fountainhead
10. Dipping your madeleine into Proust's tea
11. Finishing the first draft by hand
12. Freelancing for the glossies
13. Getting just a little too into pictures of Dorian Gray
14. Giving it a first pass
15. Giving the protagonist some internal conflict
16. Giving your narrative a Faustian theme
17. Having a strong opinion in your writing workshop about the power of symbolism
18. A Heartbreaking Wank of Staggering Spunkage
19. Hiding Rushdie from the Muslim assassins
20. Hunting for treasure in Injun Joe's cave
21. Interrogating JT LeRoy and his five accomplices
22. Jack Kerou-whacking
23. Joining the Beat Generation
24. Launching a ship to the holy city of Byzantium
25. Listening to Portnoy complain
26. Looking for clues with Tintin and Snowy
27. Mangling the English translation
28. Mixing your metaphors
29. Much A-Goo About Nothing
30. Oliver's Twist
31. Palahniukin'
32. Paying extra for the hardcover
33. Paying the bills with a hack novelization
34. Paying yourself in contributor copies
35. Picking the pull-quotes
36. Pinning Garp with a Half Nelson
37. Polishing Nick Hornby's head
38. Pottering your Chamber of Secrets
39. Print-on-demand
40. Proofreading the galleys
41. Putting out Polyphemus' one good eye
42. Putting the "wad" back into "Henry Wadsworth Longfellow"
43. Querying the editor
44. Rattling your stick inside a swill bucket
45. Reading poetry aloud
46. Recouping losses incurred by the Publishers Group West bankruptcy
47. Saying yes, yes, oh god yeeeeees to Ulysses
48. Shooting at Joan Burroughs with your flesh musket
49. Shooting your own author's photo
50. Signing the first edition
51. Skimming the Cliff Notes
52. Slapstick (or: “Lonesome No More”)
53. Spanking the Monkey (sometimes known as "Spanking Arthur Waley's translation of Journey to the West ")
54. Splitting infinitives
55. Stocking the remainder table
56. Tap-tap-tapping at your chamber door (only this and nothing more)
57. The other lonely impulse of delight
58. Touring Rosings with Mr. Collins
59. Transforming Gregor Samsa into a monstrous vermin
60. Using the passive voice
61. Varnishing your Booker Prize
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