"I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" – Tom Stade
"Glasgow has its own version of Monopoly – just one big square that reads: Go To Jail" – Des Clarke
"I'm dating now, because I ran out of hooker money" – Rick Shapiro
"The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" – Stephen Brown
"Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, 'There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him" – Carey Marx
"I don't hate the Germans, I just miss my grandparents" – Ian Stone
"My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands" – Wilson Dixon
"I like David Beckham. Most of us have skeletons in our closet. But he takes his out in public" – Andrew Lawrence
"Victoria Beckham? Does this tampon make me look fat?" – Joan Rivers, on celebrities
"My boyfriend likes role play. He likes to pretend we're married. He waits until I go to bed, then he looks at porn and has a wank" – Joanna Neary
"I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, 'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him" – Steve Williams
"I used to go out with Christopher Reeve, but I just had to keep standing him up" – Steve Hall
"My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first" – Alex Horne